Novel Advice by Jay Bushman

Author:Jay Bushman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tiller Press
Published: 2020-11-17T00:00:00+00:00

Dear Spartan:

When a marriage ruptures––whether from infidelity, abandonment, or even the games of the gods––the process of rebuilding it can take a very long time. Hearing of your trials and tribulations, I know that you must have many wounds, not all of them readily visible. You can’t force them to heal at the pace you would like—they will take however much time they need. And though in your telling, you are the aggrieved party, you can be sure that your wife bears her own deep, difficult scars.

Your unease is sensible. Once you feel someone has betrayed you, you can’t help but wonder if they might do it again. In the back of your mind, there’s always a question about if there’s a hidden knife, just waiting to come out and stab you in the back once more.

I can hear that you are still angry. That you have accepted her back is magnanimous of you. But it is only the first step on a long road toward rebuilding trust. And while your uncertainty is focused on your wife and her actions, in reality you are the one with the choice in this situation. You have to decide which means more to you —restoring your marriage or holding on to your anger, your sense of injustice.

Before you reflexively answer this question, swearing that you will do whatever is necessary to restore peace to your union, take a moment to search your heart. Because threaded throughout your story is a tone of righteous indignation. You have been wronged! She wronged you! You have undertaken labors almost as great as Heracles’s to win her back. You have earned it. You have proven yourself the better man.

Now you need to forget all of that. Because every time you indulge your anger and indignation, you are telling your wife that whatever pain she feels, she deserves. And maybe you think that she does. That’s a perfectly reasonable stance to take. Just understand that those beliefs are the very thing that stands in the way of your marriage being able to move on.

You may think you have forgiven her, but I don’t think you really have. That’s understandable. It will take a long time. But that’s work that only you can do. You may not want to do that work, but in those moments when you think it’s too much to ask, remind yourself that the gods always demand sacrifices. Sometimes that’s a burnt offering, and sometimes that’s your own pride.

—A.A.

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